ALFRED THE HAMSTER by Tatyanah
Yes, that's right: Alfred the Hardluck Hamster, Mr. Taranta's class pet, is a
LAB RAT research rodent. Tatyanah, geometry student and part-time mad scientist, assembled Alfred from spare... umm...square... parts. She says she did it for extra credit and LOLz.
She admits: "OK, so maybe using the rivet gun wasn't strictly necessary, but I always wanted to use one, and anyway Alfred's parts weren't sticking together properly until I riveted them. So my conscience is clear. My lawyer, Emmett, says we may avoid jail time this time. I'm hopeful.
...Besides, neck bolts on a Frankenstein™ are traditional, aren't they."
That doesn't explain the duct tape, the curling iron, nor the velcro, but Tatyanah remains silent about her secret Frankenstein™ formula except to add "When a neurotic hamster comes unglued, he really comes unglued. Good things come in small packages, but they're not too tightly wrapped, ifyouknowwhatimeanandithinkyoudo."
Tatyanah is also honorary co-chairperson of the National Association for the Advancement of Cuddly Classroom Pets™, a title granted to her by the Association for her work in experimental rodent geometry and her groundbreaking work in reviving Ferdinand Hyraxasaurus Rex, the class pet in Mrs. Guppysnifeur's chemistry class, during the Almost-Flushed-Him-He-Looked-Dead-To-Me incident of 2011.